I have found the writings of Deepak Chopra to be quite profound. He wrote how people’s actions and reactions come from a place of either fear or love. That understanding of human behavior has answered so many questions for me and helped me to understand and not personalize the behaviors of others.
I was fortunate to have a beautiful conversation with a friend today. Jane was extremely concerned because her partner of 20+ years was entertaining the idea of moving back to her childhood home in a neighboring state. Shar’s mother passed away recently and the desire to be surrounded by the familiar was having a very strong pull.
Not sure what this meant for their relationship, Jane was frozen, sick at the thought of the possibilities. While given an invitation to move with Shar leaving the relationship intact, Jane was not interested in leaving her community for another state with harsher winters and no friends to call her own. She was digging in her heels and reacting out of fear of either losing this relationship or losing her close friendships here at home. Fear was causing Jane to contract with anxiety and resulting in their typically harmonious conversations being fraught with acrimony and fighting. Both women were feeling unheard, unsupported and alienated by this new turn of events.
I asked Jane to describe what she saw as her worst case scenario… what if she actually agreed to move with Shar for a 5 year trial period? What if she chose love instead of fear? Clearly the internet and Skype could help Jane feel connected to her friends, and we would surely be able to travel to spend time together. Taking that concern off of the table, what other fears would keep her from moving?
As we discussed the possibility of prioritizing her relationship with Shar, and actually saying yes to the move instead of a resounding no, Jane’s whole world started to open up with possibilities. Imagine the ability to give Shar what she was truly desiring. Imagine her partner being happy, truly happy with the thought of being able to have it all.
From this new perspective of coming from love, Jane was able to see possible financial gain using the strategy of renting out their home here while living elsewhere. This would allow them both the escape clause of keeping a home here in case they moved and realized it wasn’t what they were hoping for.
No longer in resistance, Jane started describing the positive aspects of Shar’s childhood home: the quarter-sawn hardwood floor covered for decades under carpet; the front porch begging for chairs to sit and enjoy the garden; the spacious backyard backing up to a river; the hometown feel of the surrounding community, and the possibility of retiring in a smaller, close knit town. Shar already had a network of lifelong friends and acquaintances that would be welcoming of their relationship and provide a ready-made social life. Jane then recalled how she had watched deer amble across the property and heard the beautiful songs of the striking red cardinals. We don’t have red cardinals in our state, and I was finding myself feeling just a little bit envious of their potential future home.
By the time she left me, Jane was excited to go home and share the news with Shar that she was willing to embark on this journey together. Jane was no longer going to be reacting out of fear, but would be putting their relationship, love, over all other move-related concerns.
Watching Jane’s turnaround made me consider my own life. How often do I react out of fear rather than from a place of love? How can I make a concerted effort to choose love as demonstrated by my actions and words?
With gratitude to Jane, I will continue to ponder Deepak Chopra’s words: “Replace fear-based thinking with love-based thinking. Every time you are making a choice, ask yourself if it’s going to cultivate the experience of unity and love or the experience of separation and stress.”